I suppose that I am unique because of the paths I've chosen to walk....not so incredibly special but very much my own...

Ahhhh, the turns of that damn road.....you wander here and there as a youngster.  You take shortcuts and interesting paths off the beaten track and whip right through them without really looing around you when you're a teenager.  20s and 30s, wow...well, let's just say you live and learn to take the time to look around every now and then again albeit when you have time to do so.  Now, in my 40s, all I can say is - incredible.  Being a mother is an entire experience unto itself.  And since my birthday, when I turned 42, all I could think of was how excited I was to be where I found myself to be.  I guess it came together for me the other day when I sat chatting with a couple at the dog park (I know...pathetic, social interaction surrounded by canines) - they said they knew they were perfect together when after an idyllic month long process of talking ad nauseum, they realized they had reached "total understanding".  I blinked a few times and not because of the bright Florida sun.  Really?, I asked quite astonished.  "Yes, we know EVERYTHING about each other!"  And they looked at each other moonily and smiled in that lover's intimate way.  Later I pondered this bold statement and I was pleasantly surprised that I came to the lofty (please realize this is said tongue in cheek) it was complete and utter bullshit.  Today at 42, I don't know MYSELF completely.  I still have the ability to surprise myself thoroughly and leave myself shrugging and raising an eyebrow now and then. 

Amazing what intention will bring you.  Some fifteen days ago, it began.  An inspiring turn of events have opened up a world of which I was previously and virtually unaware.  Now and again I can take a step back and see myself objectively.  Albeit, a tad biased, but hell, I'm looking at myself, it's difficult not to.  And I enjoy my life's environment.  I appreciate every aspect of it and absolutely revel in what I've accomplished for myself and my two wildcats.  Difference between then and now?  An awareness of myself that is incredibly interesting.  I'm more aware of the way I think and act through long conversations I've been having with an intense woman.  Teacher and student.  Years separate us.  I have a place I would like to be, and she is there.  Whatever information she'd like to share with me about her journey is welcomed.  Absolutely.  Let's see what the next days have in store...  I'm eager to get going.  In the meantime, I've some reading I need to get to..peace, andasola

I'm toying with this design for a tattoo.  I like the brushstroke detail...any opinions out there from those who read?  Let's have some interaction, yeah?

If anyone has seen my photos in here, they see my beautiful dogs.  One of which (Jake), I adopted from the shelter.  He is mine and the black pup is my daughter's baby.  My daughter and Joe left for a few days to visit some friends.  Today, after a rough day at work because it was incredibly sunny and beautiful outside and I was stuck indoors, I was looking forward to a wonderful walk as the day drew to an end.  We walked for about an hour or so and then headed home for dinner.  After filling our bellies and relaxing for a bit, I decided I couldn't put aside my craving for a little bag of Milano cookies.  We hop in the car and head to the store.  I pulled into the parking lot, cracked my windows and got out of the car after telling Jake to sit and stay.  There was a truck parked next to my car with two guys sitting inside.  As I locked my car, the guy in the passenger side yells out his window at me that it's animal cruelty to leave my dog in the car.  I smiled at him and said I'd only be a minute and not to worry.  I went inside the store and felt a bit uneasy at what he'd said.  I hurried and not three minutes later was heading to my car.  As I unlocked my door, he yells out to me that my dog had been barking at him.  That he was unhappy in the car.  I said he's okay now, don't worry about it.  He starts going on and on.  I regrettably just stood there, letting him continue talking instead of just getting in my car and leaving.  I asked him if he had a dog and when he said yes, I said well, then you know they like to be with us, that's why he's here.  I asked him to just leave me alone and as I began getting into my car, he just keeps cursing at me and yelling.  Then he yells at me that the next time he sees my car with my dog in it that he's going to take him.  Needless to say, my heart was racing and I could feel my temper just getting hotter and hotter.  I waved and smiled at him as I left but felt like I wanted to ram his truck with my little car.  Why do people deliberately bate one another?  Why had I responded?  Why couldn't I just ignore him and leave him to his own terrible devices?  I look at Jake and know that he is as spoiled as a dog can be.  But that ignoramus actually made me doubt for a split second.  I purposely took him because the evening was cool and I knew that he wouldn't be hot.  I had to run around my parking lot a few times to get my temper under control.  I don't like negative and odd encounters....

What a good day it has been.  The sun has been out all day with a few chubby clouds on the horizon.  Had to go to the dog park for a while.  After a good run, I let him splash around in the lake and then it was off for a quick bath with the hose.  I have to start remembering the sunblock!  Am getting way too dark.  The PrideFest went on today down in Ft. Laud but didn't have the energy to drive all the way down there after driving all over the state this past week.  Rented a video, bought a bottle of hearty wine and will relax this very nice evening.  It's nice enough to have zero a/c on and the windows wide open.  Love winter in Florida.  Saw T and she asked me to go to a country bar with her this evening but, nah, just not into it.  I can appreciate country music but it's the atmosphere I think I'll not be into.  If I do manage to push myself out the door tonite it should be to that blues bar I heard about that's not too far...that would be nice.  At any rate, I do have to comment on that ridiculous story coming out of DC about the "DC madam" who is threatening to open up her little black book.  Oh geez Louise, I was laughing.  I bet there are a lot of people who are shuffling around their lives right now with their minds going a million miles an hour because they know they are in that book.  Wouldn't want to be in their shoes right about now.  The Iraq situation is serious enough isn't it?  Then again, either they cover silly stories like that to give us a break from the hideous truth OR they are trying to divert our attention.  Either way, look away.  We've got to avoid processing that stuff sometimes, don't we?  Why don't we just go swim in the ocean and hope we get a glimpse of a turtle?  We can follow it around for a while...that should be fun, don't you think?

Well, I had every intention of coming back in last nite after my walk with Jake and sitting down and writing but as we relaxed a bit and the last of the red seeped out of the sky, I realized I was not going to sit at the computer and write.  So I crawled into bed with Jake at my feet and listened to some music while I thought about what I need to do in order to get my life balanced.  My kids are good, but it's a work in progress, of course.  My job is amazing and I do love it, although the stress can get to me sometimes.  But I do try to leave it out of my personal life as much as possible.  As for my personal life, well, see that's the problem.  And not really a problem but sometimes I just seem to get in over my head.  Phone rings right now...and have to go back to the station...I forgot to mix the logs for the weekend...geez...how ironic...way to leave the office at the office....peace

Amazing how life comes at you sometimes isn't it?  I attended a social group meeting a month or so ago and funny enough, aside from the hosts (there were two of them), there were only two of us there.  To make a long story short, we hit it off, grabbed something to drink afterwards and have been going out to movies and such every once in a while.  This woman is amazing.  She has been nice enough to share her experiences with me in life as well as giving me brief sketches of the knowledge she's acquired throughout her travels.  She's given me the ability to actually listen to the voices in my head.  I have several that come through whenever I'm facing something intense - regardless of whether it's good or bad.  Sometimes I say things to myself and don't even really listen or focus on the reason behind the statement.  Isn't that interesting?  I was taking a cross state drive yesterday and as I drove down a lonely stretch of highway, I began analyzing a few policies I've been doodling with for work.  While I am usually pretty solid in decision making when it has to be spur-of-the-moment, I am very critical and constantly rehashing when it has to be something formulated and thought through.  I felt that a few of the decisions I had already made were going to be right on the money - but that nagging critical voice kept speaking up.  I was amazed when I actually had a solid thought that supported my decision, urged me to execute it and silenced the nag.  Now, these voices aren't actual people in me (Sybil) but facets of myself.  All of the advice Sharon gave me has really just helped me find a way through the chaos I sometimes create on my own.  I have much more to share about what she's given me and I'll be back after I walk my dog.  He's actually being very vocal (haha) about wanting to go on a sweet walk as the sun sets.  So, his wish is my command...peace

Okay, I know I shouldn't be pitching a fit over anything because in all reality my life is coming to the point that I thought it should come to just about now.  My wildcats (which is what I call my 18 and 19 year old kids) are doing fantastically well.  My career is booming and my personal life is on the path to happiness and self-awareness.
But holy cow, how on earth can I keep all that contentment inside me when I see the world around me and the people in it in such disarray?  Every day lately, the war takes a primary spot in my mind.  I think of all those men and women, I think of their families, I think of all they are sacrificing.  I'm not going to get into if I am politically content with what is going on in that White House - but I am going to say that we need to take care of all these men and women as they come home.  Because even if they do not have visible injuries - they are damaged all of them.  Care for them.  Let's make our country take care of them whether you agree with the war or not.  They deserve to have continuous care - medical and social as they come back to a world that no longer fits them.  Their psyches are so different after being in a war zone with threats around every corner.  We need to keep this in mind when we see them going through miles and miles of red tape trying only to get what is due them.  And it is due them - thousands of times over.  Write your congressman, your representative, the VA - tell them that whether or not you support the war - you support the troops.  And they need us now more than ever.  Dig deep and help them.